My insides felt like they were going to burst. keyhole surgery, lots of morphine , Tramadol and codeine .
Photograph copyright of Agata Cardoso.
Thursday 16 May 2013
I got through it with morphine and tramadol ////
My insides felt like they were going to burst. keyhole surgery, lots of morphine , Tramadol and codeine .
Photograph copyright of Agata Cardoso.
Tuesday 14 May 2013
Self-medicating and the hell that is comming off Benzodiazepines....
I have been in NHS out-patient rehab for 1 and a half years, detoxing off Valium and xanax . I was discharged on the 8th of April 2013.
The last appointment I had was a medical and a discharge, they took my piss, they took my mesurements, blood-pressure and weight, I refused blood tests, I was fucking sick of feeling like a lab-rat and prescription drug junkie.
FUCK YOU
I was suffering, I had been suffering for the last three weeks. No sleep, panic attacks and anxiety, loss of weight, hallucinations, mania, agoraphobia, claustrophobia, muscle contractions, rapid heart beat, hot and cold sweats, tremors, clammy hands and the depression....the despair and the suicidal ideation....I really wanted to die.
Coming off benzo's is like a hellish existence, where you are aware that your whole life was foggy, clouded...and everything rolls away into different directions. You forget who you are and what you were, you almost need to start again, you question reality and generally question everything. Things pile up, you lose control, it all becomes too much.
When I told the Doctor that I could not leave the house and that my life, university and my art was suffering, she looked at me blankly and said, " So you are working towards something?" I wanted to punch her.
Journal copyright of Agata Cardoso
Spit me out, shut me up////////
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Performance copyright of Agata Cardoso.
Photography copyright of M.Lazaro.
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